What is it? How
do we obtain it and finally, how do we maintain it? As of late I have had to struggle with this
issue. I have been alone for a long time
and now l find myself actively seeking a relationship. The dictionary defines intimacy
as "a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal
relationship with another person or group.
I believe the feeling of intimacy is developed by the act of being
intimate with one another. To me
intimacy is knowing, trusting and developing a compassionate love of another
person, and making a commitment to that person.
Then I have to ask myself the question, can we ever truly get to know
someone. I have to say yes. Intimacy is knowing them at the core being
of who they are. It's looking beyond the
mask that they present to the public and, getting to know the true person.
So how do we obtain this intimacy? Now there is physical intimacy and there is
emotional intimacy. I feel the emotional
intimacy is more important so I will speak on it first. I believe we can obtain it by being open and
honest with each other. By being
accepting of one another. Faults and
all. I believe we have to approach our
loved one with an open mind and an open heart.
No preconceptions whatsoever. No
judgments, no list of what they should or should not be. I know we are all hesitant to open up to
others, to be vulnerable is frightening, especially to a man. We don't want to reveal our soft
underbelly. We are taught to be strong
but in a relationship we have to open up to others. Not only letting people into your life, but
into your heart. It is scary to reveal
your hopes, wants and dreams. There is
always the fear that you will be criticized or laughed at. For men there is even the worse fear that you
will be thought of as soft or weak. I
say you have to take the chance. To
develop intimacy we have to cultivate a curiosity of one another combined with
empathy and understanding. Getting to
know someone takes time, it takes work and it requires patience.
As to the issue of physical intimacy, it also takes
time and requires great effort. In my
view to develop physical intimacy requires you to be keenly alert and in the
present. What I mean is pay attention to
the little things from the many ways she smiles to the way she holds her head
when she has a question about something.
It's noticing and learning all the wondrous unique things about her
body. Observe it and explore it's many
intricacies. It's learning how she
kisses and were she likes to be kissed.
It's hand holding, cuddling, long
hugs and how you walk together. To me
it's making that special one on one connection.
It's being able to recognize when something is wrong and caring enough
to inquire. It's learning were and how
she likes to be touched. It's knowing
when she needs to talk and when you need to just listen. It's knowing when she needs you to hold her
and stroke her hair. It's being in tune
with her body, accepting it and delighting in every square inch of it. When your loved one touches you your heart
should melt and the cares of the day should fade from memory as in comparison to
the joy she brings, they are utterly insignificant.
Now to the greater concern. Once we have obtained intimacy, how do we
maintain it? It's easy for a
relationship to start cruising on autopilot.
Once that starts you run the chance of taking each other for
granted. If you start taking each other
for granted you can easily forget how truly important your partner is in your
life and screw up your relationship.
Nobody wants to do that. I know I
don't. It is my goal to make a woman feel loved, wanted
and appreciated. To maintain the intimacy I believe you have
to remember what's important and you have to make a conscious effort to
maintain the relationship. Take your
automobile for instance. You maintain
that automobile by rotating the tires, getting a tune-up, changing the brakes and
the oil when required. I believe we have
to do the same thing with the intimacy aspect of our relationships. Put some conscious effort into it. Occasionally get rid of all of the
distractions of life and just concentrate on being together and enjoying each
other's company. That means, no TV, no
cell phone, no computer and put all other obligations on hold for a while. Find a quiet place where you can be alone and
concentrate on each other. A former girlfriend of mine opened my mind to the concepts of quality time and quality conversation. She had me read a book by Gary Chapman called
"The Five Love Languages", it helped me a lot and I highly recommend
reading it. Now of course I had to
listen to the audio several times for it to stick. I'm still perfecting my listening skills and
have a long way to go but I'm working on it.
If you are not a reader you can find the audio version on www.youtube.com.
In conclusion, remember what is important. Relationships like most of the things in life
require work. It's not easy and it can
be messy at times and frightening at others.
However, in the long run to experience the love of another person makes
life worth living. I hope this blog can
help someone who needs it. As for me it
helps me to put my thoughts down on paper.
Take care and have a blessed day.
Dane Gilkey 3/8/2015
