INTIMACY

What is it?  How do we obtain it and finally, how do we maintain it?  As of late I have had to struggle with this issue.  I have been alone for a long time and now l find myself actively seeking a relationship.   The dictionary defines intimacy as "a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.  I believe the feeling of intimacy is developed by the act of being intimate with one another.  To me intimacy is knowing, trusting and developing a compassionate love of another person, and making a commitment to that person.  Then I have to ask myself the question, can we ever truly get to know someone.  I have to say yes.   Intimacy is knowing them at the core being of who they are.  It's looking beyond the mask that they present to the public and, getting to know the true person.

So how do we obtain this intimacy?  Now there is physical intimacy and there is emotional intimacy.  I feel the emotional intimacy is more important so I will speak on it first.  I believe we can obtain it by being open and honest with each other.  By being accepting of one another.  Faults and all.  I believe we have to approach our loved one with an open mind and an open heart.  No preconceptions whatsoever.  No judgments, no list of what they should or should not be.  I know we are all hesitant to open up to others, to be vulnerable is frightening, especially to a man.  We don't want to reveal our soft underbelly.  We are taught to be strong but in a relationship we have to open up to others.  Not only letting people into your life, but into your heart.  It is scary to reveal your hopes, wants and dreams.  There is always the fear that you will be criticized or laughed at.  For men there is even the worse fear that you will be thought of as soft or weak.  I say you have to take the chance.  To develop intimacy we have to cultivate a curiosity of one another combined with empathy and understanding.  Getting to know someone takes time, it takes work and it requires patience.

As to the issue of physical intimacy, it also takes time and requires great effort.  In my view to develop physical intimacy requires you to be keenly alert and in the present.  What I mean is pay attention to the little things from the many ways she smiles to the way she holds her head when she has a question about something.  It's noticing and learning all the wondrous unique things about her body.  Observe it and explore it's many intricacies.  It's learning how she kisses and were she likes to be kissed.  It's hand holding,  cuddling, long hugs and how you walk together.  To me it's making that special one on one connection.  It's being able to recognize when something is wrong and caring enough to inquire.  It's learning were and how she likes to be touched.  It's knowing when she needs to talk and when you need to just listen.  It's knowing when she needs you to hold her and stroke her hair.  It's being in tune with her body, accepting it and delighting in every square inch of it.  When your loved one touches you your heart should melt and the cares of the day should fade from memory as in comparison to the joy she brings, they are utterly insignificant.

Now to the greater concern.  Once we have obtained intimacy, how do we maintain it?  It's easy for a relationship to start cruising on autopilot.  Once that starts you run the chance of taking each other for granted.  If you start taking each other for granted you can easily forget how truly important your partner is in your life and screw up your relationship.  Nobody wants to do that.  I know I don't.  It is my goal to make a woman feel loved, wanted and appreciated.  To maintain the intimacy I believe you have to remember what's important and you have to make a conscious effort to maintain the relationship.  Take your automobile for instance.  You maintain that automobile by rotating the tires, getting a tune-up, changing the brakes and the oil when required.  I believe we have to do the same thing with the intimacy aspect of our relationships.  Put some conscious effort into it.  Occasionally get rid of all of the distractions of life and just concentrate on being together and enjoying each other's company.  That means, no TV, no cell phone, no computer and put all other obligations on hold for a while.  Find a quiet place where you can be alone and concentrate on each other.  A former girlfriend of mine opened my mind to the concepts of quality time and quality conversation.  She had me read a book by Gary Chapman called "The Five Love Languages", it helped me a lot and I highly recommend reading it.  Now of course I had to listen to the audio several times for it to stick.  I'm still perfecting my listening skills and have a long way to go but I'm working on it.  If you are not a reader you can find the audio version on www.youtube.com. 

In conclusion, remember what is important.  Relationships like most of the things in life require work.  It's not easy and it can be messy at times and frightening at others.  However, in the long run to experience the love of another person makes life worth living.  I hope this blog can help someone who needs it.  As for me it helps me to put my thoughts down on paper.  Take care and have a blessed day.

Dane Gilkey 3/8/2015